Seeking Peace Amdist Financial Uncertainty

I am asking for your prayers today. In the midst of this gift of being able to write and share my journey, and despite my efforts at "detachment, dispassion, and discrimination" I'm feeling some deep grief.

I have a need to describe my 'relationship' to the world, because it is so small on a physical level and so huge on a Spiritual level. It is not easy to share the "less than" places within....and yet this is where I am at, so it is where I need to begin.

I "moved" into Solitude just after a Kundalini Workshop, a few days before the GoodWill moon in May of 2007. I had had to quit work a year before because my health was just not sustaining me, so I have been living off life savings and the generosity of friends who "believe" in what I am about. I had put out a shingle for Healing, and have had very few takers....which I certainly understand in that I had lots of healing to do.

I am uncertain as to my role in healing with others one on one....and give thanks for the guidance that is on its way.

When I ask about Welfare, the sense I have is that I am called to Spiritual Activism. On Fortuna's wheel, I have relied too much on Institutions in the past....I need to rely on the ABUNDANCE that I KNOW IS AVAILABLE through the EARTH and DIVINE PROVIDENCE....I give thanks for further discernment in this sense of guidance....

I have lost track of when certain things happened in what year since I went into Solitude....even after taking out Day books to try and reconstruct the time.

I know I began to disengage from most long distance friends by 2008,....with the exception of "She Who Walks with EAGLE"...."She Who Walks with Eagle" has been my confident since the beginnings of my peace Pilgrimage and is a Master Healer. We have done a lot of healing work over the phone, and within a year of my beginning moon meditations she too began them, and we have shared "tuning in notes" of responses to moons, and certain planetary and Star effects. She has been in initiation process since Christmas and she has indicated that she doesn't know who will be in her life when she is done. So that relationship, where we spoke the same energy language is uncertain right now. I miss being able to speak with her over the phone....and spiritually I feel called only to HOLD SPACE for her.

I did try to work in the BAKERY here, yet within a month my feet were actually becoming crippled so I put in my resignation....3 days before the bakery closed, bankrupt!!!

It was in 2008 I felt guided to write a letter to my families and tell them I was needing to withdraw from any form of relationship, please don't write. This was because the PTSD affecting all of us kept getting re enacted and it wasn't helpful for anyone....of course I miss family....family and the church ministry I was in, used to be the places I invested most of my life force. And yet through this all I KNOW this is the correct decision in the present time.

My connections on the Island, because of the solitude have dwindled. I have two people, TLC and StarMan who are my inner circle here. And there are three other people, the man that manages the property I rent, and two STRONG SPIRITUAL women who have given me some financial support as well as having shown up a few times at Sanctuary. My Prayer friend on the other end of the Island.

When at the store or Post Office there are those I know that I have conversation with while doing my tasks....apparently I'm still asked after on occasion. As my financial "wealth" has decreased so has my interaction with community. I don't have anything they want,although It was mentioned that the Islanders need someone to give "VOICE" yet my guidance has told me to HOLD SPACE. My social skills have been slipping with all the Solitude AND the deprogramming from conditioning....I just speak from the heart, and on an Island this small and intimate that is not always appreciated....understandably so.... One thing that I have received feedback on is that it is that MY GOOD TO WILL IS evident ....I hope that isn't as tragic as it sounds!!! ~_+

There have been some political/environmental distress on the Island, yet my inner guidance keeps saying I've done the leadership thing, its time to be invisible and practice Buddha's 3 D/s ....which doesn't help in generating INCOME with which to pay rent.

StarMan is in a similar position....work for him on the Island continues to decrease. He has some musicians with which he has CREATIVE EXPRESSION and has a good deal on TV which are lifesavers,.... especially when the DARK winter winds and rains set in in this part of the world. He and I have close to a communal kind of friendship....car share, I do his laundry, he cuts my wood off the beach, we celebrate Full Moons together....He is the only one in my life right now that ever 'got' the Written Esoteric vibe....HE IS BRILLIANT, despite his bushman appearance....and he has spent most of his life in the Bush as tree planter needing a lot of SOLITUDE to thrive.

TLC is THE SISTER I always dreamed of. Being a TRADITONAL CHINESE DR. we began our friendship with healing exchanges AND A STUDY ON THE SPIRAL AS LABYRINTH....initially we thought about constructing it on her Clinic yard but it was let go of. The SPIRAL, though has been a significant image. We have what I think of as our MOONLODGE times....Sacred Fridays. I hold Sanctuary between 12 - 1, TLC often arrives to complete the Sacred CELEBRATION for HAPPY HOUR....our SACRED TIME of prayers, and laughter, moaning at our challenges, restructuring our thoughtforms, and adoring one another.

With both she and STARMAN the "telepathic" communication has been amazing for me. I've never had relationships where I felt PRESENCE even in their absence and with these two friends, and She Who Walks with EAGLE, I do.

TLC is on the Island to stay, she and her husband have developed an amazing Self Sustaining lifestyle. StarMan has been dealing with the lack of work for him here, and is constantly checking his inner guidance as to whether its time to move on. He turns 60 this year, so it may indeed be a telling year. I thank Great Spirit for the lessons of Detachment once more.

As I write, I realize, how important this site has become for me. As I check out the wonderful "GOOD IDEA" sites, for a way to share, and gain new learnings, I find the money exchanges requested leave me uncertain as to what I do have that is "worth" anything....Great Spirit, thank you for not letting me get STUCK here....rather through non resistance to this flow, may I find a more inspiring way to move through this time of profound ambivalence as to my REAL
WORTH to the EARTH....

I thank Great Spirit for clarifying the guidance that I receive that says,
because what I offer is Spiritual Healing I am not to charge....
offerings accepted yes....
yet most people like the safety of "Professional relationship" and what I realize I am being asked to do, is have the SACRED REALTIONSHIP primary.

I've heard all the arguments on "people pay for time, not healing", "Healers deserve to be paid etc....and I've used them myself with GREAT SPIRIT....so if there is a block in me concerning RESPONSIBILITITY FOR SELF Thank you for revealing it to me soon. Rent is due March 1, as well as utilities. I have just enough for my Shelter needs until then.

Writing has been suggested, and yet I WRITE IN COMMUNITY. I don't know why this is so....but unless there is a communal connection, the Inspiration just doesn't come. What I "DO" is community based, not individual entrepreneur....which gets challenging when I look at how this can integrate with Self Sovereignty. Thank you Great Spirit for Strength when it gets hard to stay in centre of Personal Sovereignty,....

Thank you great Spirit for helping me hold Centre,
when I'm not doing the Spiritual Journey the way other people think I should....
which IN THEIR MINDS is MAKING MONEY TO SUSTAIN My SPIRITUAL VOCATION RATHER THAN SPIRITUAL VOCATION GENERATING ABUNDANCE....
so thank you for letting me know if there is a new direction I need to go to best serve myself and the world.

Yesterday, I was inspired to take "Angel" my little Geo car to the Orca Rubbing beach....BERE POINT. It was a profound visit as always. I had read about the Buddhic Column so I invited whatever DEVA's were present, if they could "get the Column" (my mind just doesn't seem to be able to get my head to understand so much of the juicy esoteric stuff....) and begin to work with PeaceFULL communication networking on the Island. The Totem ORCA was more present for me there yesterday than ever before. I could access the Joy amidst anxiety of lack of Physical security....

This Island is such a SACRED LOCATION I wish there was someway to preserve it....and then I go back to practice the three Ds....detachment, dispassion, discrimination. If I can't afford to live here, any vocation on Serving this Island goes, and I don't have any other dreams....this one called forth everything....so I let it go....this BIG DREAM I was called to Nurture....the paradox, of giving all and letting go.

I do need some kind of verbal relationship on this level....discussion....I don't want my head so far in the clouds that I'm no earthly good....

After 3 1/2 years, in deep healing mode,I need step by step inner guidance, cause this BEGINNING OF NEW LIFE is beyond anything I ever imagined or have had in previous experience.

So Thank you Great Spirit, and any of you who feel called to pray with me on this....I do thank you for the profound lessons I am learning....Thank you for offering me the opportunity to "detatch" from own concerns for survival so I can remain Present to whatever and wherever the Spirit leads....

When I left Bere Pt beach yesterday, I slipped and fell hard. My left knee is giving me some pain, and difficulty walking. Realignment. Then, as I was leaving the Point, Angel refused to climb the hill and move into 2nd gear. Being stuck 6 k from home in yucky weather left me so vulnerable I called upon Mechanical Devas after about 15 minutes of examining what options I had, to get my car going. And low and behold, I was able to drive the 5 k to StarMan's in 1st gear. Thank you Mechanical Devas.

My Mobility is now done as far as ANGEL goes....no money to keep her going or insured, and I remain open to all the learnings and options that will occur in this kind of "apparent" limitation....She has been a blessing, with many healing trips, and for all that this car has given me I give great thanks.

The truth is, all has been provided for thus far. It's just that all MY previously paid bills are coming to an end. No more safety net. I don't have many people around me praying for me, and I need a lot of inspiration and guidance, if I need to get something going to generate income in the next month.

So thank you for letting me bare this....it is not easy when there are so many opinions and judgements around vocations, finances, and what "personal responsibility" means when one is dedicated to letting the Divine Father's WILL impress one for direction.

I Thank you Great SPIRIT for discernment....and courage....to follow through....as well as a mind that may be open to Possibilities....May I invite even the Outrageous alternatives to enter my consciousness, if "they" can aid me in creating a RECIPROCAL Benefit relationship with the world.

Thank you for your generosity as I practice shifting from a BODY Survival energy, to the head space of Appropriate Relationship in Appropriate time.

Meegwetch.